BREAKING: Intel CEO Resigns After Controversy

"Thermal Paste-Gate" Rocks Silicon Valley

In a shocking development that has rocked the semiconductor industry, Intel CEO Pat Gelsinger has resigned following the leaked footage of what insiders are calling "Thermal Paste-Gate."

The controversy began when security cameras captured Gelsinger attempting to bless an entire wafer fabrication facility using an industrial-sized Super Soaker filled with holy water.

The Scandal Unfolds

According to internal sources, the situation escalated when:

• A whistleblower revealed that Intel had spent $1.2B on a secret "Project Sanctify" to compete with NVIDIA's Blackwell architecture
• Leaked emails showed Gelsinger had hired a team of priests as "Thermal Solutions Architects"
• An internal memo suggested replacing thermal paste application robots with "automated blessing units"
• Several engineers reported their CPUs speaking in tongues during testing

Failed Cover-Up Attempts

Intel initially tried to downplay the situation, releasing a statement: "Our enhanced thermal solutions leverage alternative metaphysical cooling technologies." However, the situation became untenable when:

• A warehouse of holy water cooled GPUs was discovered to leak Levantine wine forcing massive recall
• Competitor AMD responded by mock-blessing their GPUs with Jensen Huang's signature, claiming it "delivers unparalleled divine performance"
• NVIDIA CEO Jensen Huang commented: "At least our black magic works"
• Dave from accounting refused to approve the "blessed binning process" budget

The Final Straw

The situation reached its breaking point when benchmarking site GamersNexus received an engineering sample that:

• Achieved infinite FPS in DOOM
• Automatically uninstalled all demon processes
• Required BIOS updates to be performed by clergymen
• Refused to boot unless facing Jerusalem, or Mecca (depending on BIOS settings)

Industry Response

Industry analysts are divided:

• "Still more stable than Arc drivers" - Tom's Hardware
• "Unprecedented spiritual compute density" - AnandTech
• "But can it run Crysis... on a Sunday?" - PC Gamer

Official Statement

Intel's board released a statement: "While we appreciate Mr. Gelsinger's innovative approach to thermal management, attempting to exorcise heat from our processors goes beyond our current strategic roadmap."

What's Next

Intel has announced they will be:

• Returning to traditional thermal compounds
• Recalling all blessed engineering samples
• Converting their holy water infusion facility into a standard AIO production line
• Maintaining their commitment to "regular" physics