A Goodbye to Tech

I tried.

I really tried.

In 2016, I graduated with a degree in Web Design and Development, knowing Angular and some UX principles, thinking maybe I could cut it in tech.

I was wrong.

I didn't get my first role until 2 years after, and even so, it was contract for Facebook and I had to make up my job title, and my team just rolled with it. Unfortunately, I didn't go to the right university, nor did I take the right track of getting an internship directly afterward to be hired full time. Any UX expert or Product Designer I reached out to brushed me off. (Y'all are a gatekeep-y bunch, aren't you?)

I went to a coding bootcamp during the pandemic, naively thinking, "if I just learn how to code better, surely I can be perceived as more valuable!"

And I finished the course, learned a ton. Built up my portfolio. Networked like mad on Xitter. Even embarrassed myself by streaming my thought/coding process live on Twitch.

I landed several contractor roles, which were okay. But I wanted health insurance. I pushed harder.

All of this while battling ADHD and major depression.

2022, finally landed my first full-time gig as a developer relations engineer. Within my first 3 months, I landed a big-name company contract for them.

However, I also was trying to get a hold of handling my mental health issues. I was prescribed Lexapro and Abilify. Side-effects include lethargy, which meant if I wasn't working, I was sleeping. But if I wasn't feeling like I wanted to kms, it was working, right? Let's sprinkle Adderall XR on top of that to address that pesky ADHD. In October, I had to stop taking the medication because my spouse and I decided we wanted to have a baby.

I thought, "I'm feeling good about my job! We're stable! Let's do this!"

May 2023, I found out I was pregnant. I felt like I went through some of the worst side-effects pregnancy came with: brain fog, exhaustion, nausea-- TL;DR: I could not function. I told my manager and HR right away , thinking it would be prudent to be completely honest and to "cover my bases" in case my productivity dropped.

Well, of course it did. Wear a 10 lb rice bag strapped to your belly and spin yourself around in your little office chair 20 times and try to hold an hour meeting.

At first, my coworkers were (supposedly) happy for me, and expressed "support". However, things slowly started to change. My manager became more and more critical day by day. It was hard to manage my symptoms and try to keep a straight face.

Have you ever had someone tell you they were there for you, only to come up short and not actually be there when you needed them? That's what happened to me.

September, I was put on a PIP. At the same time, blood work came back that said either me or my baby had a tumor on us. Or he had a spinal birth defect. I had to be tested right away and extensively to find the problem.

That, AND I have to struggle to keep my job?

I sincerely tried my best. In the end, I just ended up wrapping things up, like an article I never published and was probably stolen by a coworker.

Managers can say, "If you're not feeling well, then take the day off! Use your PTO!" at any point only to cover their asses.

let me tell you now: HR and management will never support you.

Do NOT fall for their bullshit.

Do NOT tell your coworkers anything.

Nothing in the environment of tech is stable. Nowhere in the workplace, no one in the workplace is someone you can share your personal life with. It's nut up and shut up.

Zero empathy.

There is no equity in tech.

There needs to be an overhaul in support for those in need, especially those who are neurodivergent. Especially those who chose to become parents and are the birth parent.

But, in order for that to happen, this change needs to be huge and gradual, helmed by someone who is respected by the community.

That person is clearly not me.

So this is my goodbye to tech.

I never want to answer to any man ever again.

I will not go where I am not wanted.

I wish you all safety and sanity in your careers.

Comments

[Jess Lee]

I'm sorry Cat. Everyday I feel like the industry is spiraling backwards. You deserve so much better! I hope the nutrition path serves you well. Congrats on the babe and good luck with the fourth trimester. Thanks for sharing with us. 💜

[Nathan G Bornstein]

This is a really disheartening read, but it's a decision that you know better than anyone else to make. I know this will probably come off as a milquetoast platitude, but tech genuinely needs more people like you. People that aren't afraid to say what they're truly thinking, people that speak their truth.

It really sucks that the majority of systems in place actively work against that type of mentality, though. The important keyword in that sentence is majority. It's rare, but there do exist environments where that isn't the case.

I really hope you'll consider coming back some day. Stepping away seems to be the healthiest decision you can make right now, but please consider returning at some point. We truly do need more people like you here.

[Thomas Bnt]

I never know how to react to articles like this. I feel sorry for you that you're going through all this, that you didn't get the support you wanted from your colleagues, and the worst thing is that they don't try to understand your situation. I'm a man, but I've always been told that being pregnant is a complicated time, so to add all these problems, I can't imagine. I'm sad for you, and I sympathize for you. 😔💙

[Tamara Temple]

Would that your story was rare, but it's far, far too common, and is just one of the myriad of reasons women leave tech. It isn't because you weren't qualified, it isn't because your pregnant and "choosing to have a family instead of a career" (dumbest thing said ever).

The continual cuts and hits wear us down, even moreso when one has some additional mental and emotional stuff going on. It all ends up feeling like we're not wanted in the clubhouse.

I hope you feel better soon. 🫶

[Danielle Heberling]

This was a hard read, but I think you're far from alone in these types of experiences. The part about HR and management will never support you rings true to many of my situations while working in tech.

Thank you for your bravery in sharing this publicly.

Frankly, I believe tech needs more folks like yourself. Totally understand your decision to step away though. Hoping you can find peace and happiness in the future. You deserve better and are working towards finding it, so kudos to you.

[Ben Halpern]

💔

[raddevus]

I keep telling people that you'll understand HR much better if you use the term that all HR groups know themselves by: BPS - Business Protective Services.

[Bhargav Sakaria]

My thumbs are twitching to post this article in slack😑💯

I am extremely disheartened to know how you had to struggle with all the work-life issues while nobody actually cares.

I am aware of this throughout my career and also i have been experiencing the same. But my problem is nothing compared to what you faced.

God bless you❤️

[Christine Belzie]

I'm so sorry you went through this @cat. No one should be treated the way you have. ;(

[Jerry]

That’s a very unfortunate series of events.

I hope things start to turn for the better soon.

Also, you may want to consider speaking with an employment lawyer.

[Cat]

I've tried, but I can't sue a European company, unfortunately. Europe has different standards, and apparently they can discriminate all they want against Asian American women over 30.

[Mateusz Koteja]

Interesting you mentioned ethnicity, like it surely has to do anything with it (im pretty sure it doesn't). Telling from your blogpost you are super frustrated. Just because you didn't get support (once), doesn't mean management or HR is always bad. That's one thing.

Second, put yourself in their shoes. In the long term it is a bit annoying to work with somebody underperforming. Empathy etc works only for a limited period of time, and that's understandable imho. Top that with lower demand for developers, hard time, and companies wanting to save (investors) money.

It is a sad story nevertheless, and I feel for you (pregnancy is really hard time, good that you have your spouse), but you are overemotional, and should just accept the fact that the world is sometimes brutal.

In the end to be honest I was a bit trigerred about the sentence "europe has different standards" (in the negative way).

Edit: from other comments I can tell you are looking for an excuse (white vs non-white, man vs woman, privilege, whatever). Just stop, please, because it is nonsense. I guess you are from USA, and telling from the media you are overreacting in general about these things, but I can guarantee your ethnicity or sex doesn't have anything to do with that.
There are bad people and good people, bad companies and good companies. Simple as that.

[Joshua W. Sears]

Your EXTREMELY CLUELESS about life in the US obviously. You need to be quiet and sit in the corner and think about being in HER shoes for a while. your a very self-serving simpleton of a human being for saying all that baloney you know absolutely nothing about. This woman is completly right and it has been an experience that many women in the US tech industry (and many other industries) have experienced. Why did you not learn to be quiet when you don't know what your talking about?

[Mateusz Koteja]

I'm not saying it is not her experience, I believe her. I think she is looking at wrong reasons.

Plus I was referring more to her comments, rather than the blogpost itself.

I see a frustrated person, who was unable to achieve her goal to some degree, and after all that being treated in a bad (for her) way. All of that is understandable, and in fact it applies to all humanity on the planet. It's not US specific.

However under these conditions it is really easy to become toxic, and aquire victim mentality. Maybe she is right all along, I don't know, but having people do nothing but agree with her (like most people in the comments here) is not helping. It is just confirming her [potential] bias. I think I presented a certain different perspective. It might be lacking because I don't know the details (just like everybody here), but telling from her twitter account she is toxic for more than 2 years already. It is not only the crisis she is talking about here.

Let's agree, having toxic attitude is not helping, no matter the frustration a person is dealing with. There is also a possibility that she just isn't good programmer.

What I'm suggesting is to not jump into conclusions about the situation, as there are many possibilities to justify the circumstances the author is coming through.